I've never appreciated language the way I have the past month. The first two weeks in my host family's house, I found myself empathizing with the dogs. I was able to hear the words and see what people were doing but had a very limited understanding in regards to what was actually happening and felt unable to use words to communicate. It was really hard to have my words fail me time and again. I could get by communicating basic needs but the most disheartening by far was not being able to be myself in spanish because I didn't have the vocabulary to do so. In spanish, I was a completely different person - very quiet and unsure about everything I was saying. In most moments, I felt trapped inside my own head. I think the desperation was crucial in catapulting my learning. I didn't have english as a crutch to lean on so I had to learn spanish or stay trapped.
Since the first few weeks, I've learned so much and am started to feel more and more comfortable in my ability. This is not to say that these moments don't happen, because they do (every day), but they happen much less frequently and they don't frustrate me as much as they used to. I am much more confident which helps. I still make mistakes all the time but its better to just get out what I'm trying to say with grammatical errors than hold it in. I also learn faster when I go for it and make an absolute fool of myself.
The way I've dealt with the frustration is laughing at myself. I don't know how I would ever learn spanish if I took myself seriously. The comedy of it all has been the only thing that has kept me sane. After a long day of acting like total idiots in spanish or an eight hour day in spanish class, the other trainees who live in my town and I walk a hill called "Calle gringo" (fitting) and speak only in english and talk about how dumb we've sounded all day. Thank God for that hill. I have never appreciated words this much in my entire life and feel very grateful for them now more than ever.
I took language for granted every single day until it was gone. I appreciate it so much now. Its the only art everyone participates in and the most basic way people express themselves. It's amazing when you start thinking about it and I've been thinking about it often.
Views from Calle Gringo:
